the ballad of love and hate

sometimes 
it
hurts
instead. 

is it too early to start thinking of my Christmas list?

i just realized tomorrow’s october.

it’s too hard to act ok all the time. 

i saw you,
as clear as day,
you graced my dream last night…

but what do i do now?
do i replay the dream, just so i can see you?
do i get frustrated with myself that your fresh on my mind still?
do i brush it off, say it was nothing more then a dream?

no matter which option i choose,
no matter what i do today,
my day has started unbalanced. 

reply to those last text msgs.
turn your phone on silent.
throw it on your bed.
then don’t look back for the rest of the night.
gives you time to think, study, and think of what you’re going to say about your absence.

“hey !!! i really miss you :)  so i’ll text you tomorrow okay my phone is dying…. night :)” -boy #3

ooh this is going to be too much fun ..

i have to pee while my nails are still wet.

i do not think of myself as:
pretty
hot
nor,
beautiful…

but lately guys have been making that quite apparent…
if this is what it takes to feel an ounce of confidence after the low blow i’ve been feeling, then i’ll ride it til the end.
i’m not purposely trying to break hearts…
i’m just sticking up for my own.

i’m power triping,

and it’s the best natural high i’ve ever had.. 

you find yourself talking to your highschool “love”
about the last love you’ve both lost…
two years have passed
and we have both grown to love other people…
and now we find each other in the same place,
missing someone we thought was our best friend.

after knowing each other for nearly 7 years,
it’s only now that i feel like i’m finally having a real conversation with him.
yes we’ve both grown up.

CRUSH A BIT, LITTLE BIT, ROLL IT UP, TAKE A HIT

I do not regret tonight,
But I’ve definitely have had better times,
I needed tonight to reinsure myself that I know who I am.
I’m simple,
And I like feeling safe.
I do not need to be fucked to enjoy myself,
I just need to feel safe.
No, tonight I proved to myself that I’m happy, with my life and don’t need to go out searching for additional happiness.

blogging on a strangers computer..
drunk off a few games of beer pong..
this is my life 

yesterday was a good day,
i bought a stupid crop top for tight and bright,
got paid to socialize and fold clothes,
sat in my truck for almost an hr waiting for my person to get home,
phone died ( really one of the only downsides of the day )
andd then…
just like we used to
we sat and talked,
about life,
about people,
about how everything is going to be okay…
and most importantly how everything IS okay.

it’s hit me.
in the pit of my stomach.
it’s true.
i know.
it’s over.
i was wrong.
it’s over.

one of these mornings,
it won’t all hit me as hard…

sometimes the person you wish was still in your life doesn’t even exist,
people tend to change,
change because they are scared of being too human, too vulnerable, too emotional.
it’s just easier living life sans émotions.

here`s the thing
people change,
but people also remember…
so if you change, the people who supported and cared for who you used to be
…
will still remember,
they’ll hold onto that memory,
until you come back,
or manage to better yourself.

right now i’m in love with this image i have of who someone could of been…
i’m kinda in love with a ghost…
which i find amusing, it’s like i have a secret friend, who still semi exists…
for once in my life, i can say i have a secret…even if i tell my dearest friends about my secret, they’ll never know,
because well they can’t feel what i’m feeling, they weren’t there.

I love you Dex, I really do. i just don’t like you anymore.

before, 5:50 pm…

since the thought of it being the end of us crossed my mind,
i started wondering when we’d meet again.
and now it’s here.
i made the plans..
you said yes.
so much has changed since i’ve seen you and yet it seems like no time has passed at all…
how could this month of missing you, end in a single night?
predictions
a) we have a serious chat about why we have been mia for the past little while
b) we act like nothing ever happened
c) its awkward

the burning question however is if this will be the start or the end?.. the start of us hanging out and talking again? or the end of it all…
this has the potential of being the goodbye scene.
we’ll see what it turns out to be.

8:30pm
he’s on his way,
we may be going to the movies with other ppl?
i don’t know if i like how comfortable things are all of the sudden…going back to the way things were was not part of the plan.

AFTER 7:44am
i’m early for class for once,
slept in a seperate bed,
still wearing last night makeup,
and now feel neither sad nor content.
that was real,
flashback to the way things used to be, but not really…back to the partying ways.
i can honnestly say i’m not that person anymore,
yes it was fun, but that is not how i want to live my life anymore.
Summer is over,
every part of summer is over.
i didn’t say what i needed to say,
but i don’t think he deserves the truth .. so it’s done, whatever reisurance that i’m better off, i now have.
and you know what?
i’m soo relieved.


closing time.
one last time for alcohol.